Staying positive – Why is marriage so hard?
Most people know that one of the number one reasons married couples get divorced is money. Looking back over the issues that we have had I can say that many of them if you truly look deep stemmed from a money issue. Either way we had issues, and those issues made us fight…..sometimes a lot.
But you don’t think about that when you are in it. All you know is that you’re mad and you find yourself wondering why you are evening dealing with the bullsh*t. You go out and you have a smile on your face, but inside you’re on fire.
You may have thoughts of what things could be like if you just gave it all up. Don’t give up just yet. Below I will share some tips to make marriage work.
You have to make the decision to fight for your marriage
As simple as it sounds, it starts with a decision…..because if you don’t want to fight through it, it will only become more and more frustrating every day. I remember a time when I was so frustrated that I didn’t want to fight anymore.
When I was at this point EVERYTHING pissed me off. If my husband left the room and left the light on I would be ready to file divorce papers. I mean seriously EVERY DAMN THING he did upset me.
It took me a while to realize how irrational I was being. But being in that moment you don’t care. You’re not thinking about any of that you just want to be mad.
I will be honest with you in my opinion taking some time to be mad is okay….but you have to find your way out of that in order to make rational decisions about your relationship.
Make a list…..check it twice
Once you’ve had your moment to be mad, snap out of it and begin to make your decision by making a list of pros and cons.
Do you want this marriage to work? If you are not sure sit down with yourself and write a list. What are the pros and cons? Sounds corny right? It is but so damn what. This small corny activity can make a huge difference in your relationship.
If you’re too mad right now don’t make your list because your cons will far outweigh your pros LOL.
Wait until you are in a reasonable mood and you can truly make an objective list. On the left write “why would I stay” on the right “why would I go”. Then take your time and go through this list.
It may not be an easy “oh I have 5 pros and 3 cons, so the pros have it” type of decision. You may also have to write the list out a few times and scratch out a few things before you have a good list.
Whatever it takes just make your list and then when you are in a reasonable mood, fully weigh the pros and cons. You may have 2 pros and 20 cons….but one pro may outweigh all 20 of the cons on your list. Be realistic with yourself and truly take the time to feel out your list.
Discuss your decision with your spouse
Whatever decision you come to, you need to sit down and discuss it with your spouse. You may find that they didn’t even realize you had been feeling this way. They may stop doing things like leaving the light on when they leave the room to help you not be as frustrated.
You both may find in this discussion that there have been gaps in your communication for a while that you are able to bridge because you simply talked with one another.
Communication (or the lack of it) is another major reason for failure in marriage so this could be a major step in resolving many of your issues.
Seek help – Get a counselor
Many people for some reason have a negative idea about therapy. I am a huge advocate for finding someone professional to talk to. Counseling has helped me through so many issues that I otherwise would have gone crazy over.
Having that outside PROFESSIONAL help (that word is very important to remember) can be a huge lifesaver. It can allow you to see things that you were not able to see because of your anger or resentment with your spouse.
Take some time to find a good resource for this. It may take some digging, but if you are open to discussing it with someone you may find that you know someone who already knows a good counselor.
Yes I said professional help
Let me get back to the reason I typed “professional” in all caps……
Some of y’all wanna talk to your momma, best friend, auntie, and whomever else about your marital problems. While I do understand that many of our family members can offer sound advice, some of my biggest advice to you is to keep your friends and family OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS.
There are a number of reasons for this and I will mention a few of them here:
1. Your auntie, momma, cousin, best friend, etc. may not have experienced the same issues you have or in the same ways that you have. So they may not understand how him leaving the toilet seat up really affects you. They may not always give you the best way to handle discussing things with your spouse.
2. Once you shed a negative light about your spouse to your loved ones, that image is forever ingrained in their minds. So if you plan to stay and work things out they still remember that time you told them how he left all the dishes in the sink or came home from work late one too many times with no explanation. Although you had the heart to forgive and forget for your spouse these others may not. Family dinners will never be the same.
3. Sad to say this but people will hold things over your head forever. One of my biggest fears about publishing this blog is that my fake rich marriage would somehow be “exposed”. So many people think that for the past 16 years we have been this super happy couple. If people knew 1/10th of the issues we have been through they would probably use that as ammunition against us in some kind of way. So many of our issues we decide to keep private and to ourselves because of this reason.
And once again… Stay positive
After you go through all of these steps you just have to go back to being positive. I am a true believer that the things that we speak into existence can and will happen. If you wake up with positive affirmations regarding your marriage you will see positive things happen in your marriage (and your life in general).
So tomorrow when you wake up…….actually no start right now…..say aloud “My marriage is the best”. “My husband/wife is the greatest in the world.” “No matter what we are going through we will come out on top!”
Someone is reading this and rolling their eyes….that’s okay do it anyway! You don’t even have to tell me it worked, just watch it work for yourself!
I would love to hear that it worked for you though so feel free to share in the comments.
Much luv ~ Cris